Thread: Funny Jokes, Emails, Etc...

laffin....yer silly.

How do you cut the sea in half?







With a sea saw!!

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"

His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son."

The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"

Once again his dad replied, "Don't know, son."

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, his dad replied. "Don't know, son."

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

>
> Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available
> in
> liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
> beverage
> suitable for use as a mixer.
>
> It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a
> stiff one.
>
> Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives
> new
> meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
>
> old-fashioned "stiff drink".
>
> Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
>
>
>
> MOUNT & DO.
>
>
>
> Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
> implants
> and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
>
> This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly
> population
> with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
> recollection of
> what to do with them ..
>
>

ROTFLMAO!!! Those were great Mountain Gal...

This is a story about a couple who had been
happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.



He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.



The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound
asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs
where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts..

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his
usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you'.

'what do you mean?' asked his wife.

'well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened..

But by the grace of god, with some vaseline and two fingers. I think i got most of them back in

OMG! I almost spit my coffee out all over the computer on that one, Quilter.

The power of Alcohol


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.



After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.



Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'



The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.





The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.





By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.





The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.





The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,






*

(Wait for it)







*



*

(It's coming)



*



*
(Ya ready?)



*



*



*(Don't hate me)



*



*



*(Yer gonna hate me)



*



*



*(Take a deep breath)


*

*

*
'He should've quit while he was a head.

All the jokes were great...

The one about ripping-one in the morning RES was rather gross yet funny at the sametime. Love the one about 2040 Moutain-gal.

I really should post a joke myself...but I enjoy hearing them more.