Thread: Funny Jokes, Emails, Etc...

MY NEW TRUCK





I bought a new Chevy Avalanche





and returned to the dealer yesterday
because I couldn't get the radio to work.





The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.






'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.






The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'






'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'





came from the speakers.






Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant





' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,





every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'





I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,





'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.





Yesterday, some guy ran a red light





and nearly creamed my new truck,





but I swerved in time to avoid him.





I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'





Immediately the radio responded with,


"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States


Barack Hussein Obama


Damn I love this truck...

^5's Very intelligent advanced radio. lol

PURE FANTASY
Last night it was quiet in the house when we heard the doorbell go off. I answered the door and a well dressed man politely said hello and that he was here to present me with the opportunity of my lifetime. I invited him in and offered him a cup of tea once seated at the dining room table. He graciously accepted and began to tell me about his fantastic product that would lower my monthly expenses by 30 % while enhancing my life by over 150%, it would be completely inclusive in that it would include my whole family and even my distant relatives.
When I asked the cost, he said he would be able to tell me next year maybe. When I asked him what the product consisted of, he said that I would find out when he did sometime later in the year. When I asked how long I would have to pay for it, he said probably the rest of my life and the rest of my grandkids lives and not to worry because it was worth every penny of the cost.
I asked to see the proposal in writing in order to make a better informed decision and he said that it was not written down anywhere yet but there were several things written somewhere that may be a part of the finished product and maybe I could see that later.
I explained that I really didn’t feel comfortable accepting his offer until I knew a little more about what it was and apologized for saying, “not at this time”. He tried many times over the course of the evening until I told him we were tired and we were going to bed. He gathered his papers, pictures, graphs and Blackberry and started to leave. He was just walking out the door when he turned around and said,
“Makes no difference what you say or want, tomorrow you will get it anyway and we will begin to send you a bill each month forever”.
We watched him get into his government vehicle and exit our driveway.

That's not funny........

But appropriate for the times.

I posted it twice, once for us and once to give the UGs a chance for somebody to read it to them.

Laffin.... I never thought about that. ^5's

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew. After some time, one said to the other , "If you don't mind my saying so, you don't look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck". "Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee." His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued.

"You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."

"My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?"

"Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over, and he defecated right in the eye."

"My, My, did that take your eye out? No, that was the first day I had my hook."

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"

A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all of whom were very successful, agreed to come to a Sunday dinner in their honor. And so they did and all of them, parents and children, were seated at the table when son number one spoke up.

"Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad," he said. "I love you both so much and I am sorry that I was running late in getting here. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient and you know how that is, so I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two then spoke to his parents, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and also didn't have time to shop for you. I regret it and I apologize for it."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter spoke. "Happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor when we started out to make a family but with great effort and by saving every penny we could, we were able to send each of you to college.

"Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "Oh, that surely can't be true. If it were, it would mean that we all are bastards!"

"Yes, that's true," said the father. "And cheap ones too."